Adventures in Canada: The Barb is my new Best Friend Edition!

SuperAfroBoy

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Holy smokes, I received a package in the mail indicating that I have a new best friend named Barb! You probably sent this package a while ago, but the mail in these parts is pretty slow. Once it hits the border, it gets delivered by horse. ON WITH THE TREASURES!

THE BOX

As you can see here, my treasures arrived in a box. Like most boxes, it is squarish. I was hesitant to open it at first. What if it contained poisonous snakes? Would Barb do that to me? Yes, most likely. I gently shook it too see if I could hear them. Nope, no snakes. The box was a little too small to fit a human head, so I should be safe there as well. Putting aside my fears, I opened the box.

PANDORA RELEASED!

This is a good start. Nothing has jumped out and latched onto my face yet, and the foul odor of rotting flesh hasn't hit my flaring nostrils. Also, there is that white packing foam stuff. Maybe something valuable that I can pawn off to support my drug addiction. There's only one way to find out.

THE MYSTERIOUS ENVELOPE

What is this? A envelope of mystery? Addressed to Mr. and Mrs. SuperAfroBoy? I don't think my wife has ever been referred to as that, but I think she will be pleased. So, random and utterly useless? There goes the pawning idea, but lets see whats in this bad boy.

MYSTERIOUS CONTENTS OF THE MYSTERIOUS ENVELOPE

I opened the envelop, and these mysterious items practically spilled out onto my desk. Actually, they were packed in there pretty good. LETS TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, HMM?

THE FUTURE LOOKS BLEAK

Fortunes! Now I don't need to worry about the future, because it's all laid out so plainly for me here. But what sort of creature is that? It's got six arms, so some kind of insect maybe? I dunno. Also, it has a hard hat, so it's in construction. Maybe a termite? Regardless, let's see what sage advice this mystery critter has for me. "You see pictures in poems and poems in pictures." Uh huh. I'm not sure how that applies to my future, but I'm not one to argue with destiny. Next up we have Woman's intuition like feather on arrow. May help flight to truth. I guess I should follow my wife's orders if I want to succeed? Is that what this is saying? It's up to you to clarify. I like to be as vague as possible, so I'll skip this one. When in doubt, mumble. HAH, little did you know Mr construction termite, I'm an expert mumbler. Still sound advice, though.

BUCKET HEAD'S LITTLE SISTER

Next up we have some great photos that will undoubtedly find their way into the SuperAfroBoy family album. On the right we have Buckethead's little sister. On the left we have Captain Blur, cousin to The Flash. His power's aren't that magnificent, but he can cause villains to question their eyesight!

CTHULU'S CALLING

This picture looks like something you would see in those "paranormal" movies. I will certainly see it my nightmares for many nights to come. Thanks for that Barb.

I STOLE THIS FROM A HOBO

Ah, now I'm getting to the real meat of the package. Although I do hope it's not actually meat. When I first pulled this out of the box, it reminded me of those little sacks that hobos have on the end of a stick. Do hobos really do that? Everything I know about hobos has come from Disney cartoons. Let's open it up an see how many severed fingers are in here. I'm hoping none.

NO FINGERS!

No severed fingers! But lots of random junk, so lets take a look at some of it!

BATHSALTS

What do we have here? Well, there are two little bracelet things that are too small to fit over my hand. Unless I'm mistaken and they're for something else, in which case you have WAY overestimated my size. Then we have a small tin containing what appears to be miniature candy canes in a neat little bottle, and little bits of cheese or something? Woo! Then we have a little shiv, about the size to fight off squirrels. This will no doubt come in handy if I'm ever in squirrel prison. And we have some "softlips vanilla lip protectant/sunscreen". It apparently prevents chapped lips and sunburn. I've never had sunburn on my lips, so I have to assume I'm supposed to rub it all over my body. I like the warning, "stop use if skin rash occurs". PHEW, I thought that just meant it was working. Next up is a heart shaped bath salt. Can I get high off this? Or will it turn me into a face eating zombie? I'm good with either, I guess. Also, some absolutely tiny nail clippers that say "Little" on them, just in case you couldn't tell already that they were pretty small. And lastly, I have no clue what that thing on the right is. I plugged it in, and it kinds of blinks a bit? I'll leave it plugged in overnight and see if my house burns down.

GOODIES AND SUCH

Some more stuff! I like stuff! Botan rice candy? Hell yeah, I like candy so his is right up my alley! And it has a free children's sticker inside. Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to keep it for myself and I'm not a child. Then we have some scented gum. Fragrance that refreshes after eating, smoking, or drinking! EXCELLENT! I like how the back of the box states that to get the nutrition information, you actually have to write them a letter requesting it. HELL YEAH POP ROCKS. Can't wait to get into those bad boys. Next up is a pretty standard looking toothbrush. I think I may actually use this, and replace the one I've been using for the last four or five years. Also, one lower tooth whitening strip. C'mon, you could have at least thrown in one for my top teeth, now I'm going to look silly with these magnificent pearly white bottom teeth, and then my top teeth still yellow and decaying. Also got these Wisp teeth cleaning things. When I'm done with these, my smile will bring kings to their knees. Finally, some Chanel perfume stuff. I've never been one for colognes, but I may use it as a mouthwash to go along with my other new dental hygiene products.

RUBBER DUCKY, YOU'RE THE ONE

And here is the rest of the junk. Erm, I mean treasures of course. A $2 nickel roll. If I fill this with Canadian nickels, it'll be worth about $0.45 US! And one of those things you put in water for a few days that grow! And it's a duck! And there's duck puns on the case! It's hilarious! Unfortunately on the back it says "not for consumption". Then we have an electrical outlet cover. I've got a million of these kicking around, but none of them are clear like this! It will make a lovely addition to my collection. And then there is this weird hole punchy thing. It makes holes in paper, but not your standard round holes. This bad boy adds some flair with a little swirly hole. Yep. Then there is a fabulous ring, that just fits on my little finger. I will never take it off. NEVER. Singing monkey balls? Oh yes, you have no idea how much fun I will have with these magnets. Then we've got that little syringe thingy, which unfortunately is for oral use only. What's the fun in that? Next up is that little mystery orange thing in the baggie. I thought it might be anthrax at first, but it wasn't. It was some kind of little round filter. I'm not certain, but it may be a bong filter. If not, it will be used as one anyway! And last but not least, a receipt for some vodka. You saved $6!

So, thanks Barb for a great set of treasures! I guess now it is my duty to send one of my own to one of you schmucks.

ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL
 
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Barbs

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I don't even have the words to express, LOL. The ring looks lovely!

Hilarious!

One problem, though. Haven't you just posted my name and address on a public board? How about no. How about we edit that out.

Good luck with that gum - it's the same age as my children and tastes like purple.
 

SuperAfroBoy

Vertical Bacon Sandwich
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Barb, I don't know what you're talking about. Your address is definitely not readable in that picture.
 

Barbs

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You're right. I must have just been wearing my superhero anti-pixelation glasses.

I've only recently heard about Buckethead, and that pictures is at least 10 years old, so it's KIND of funny that I have that.

The blurry guy is actually an ex-boyfriend. You see, back then, we took pictures with film cameras, so most of the resulting photographs looked much like that.
 
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